The Left Behind
by dilly r
Summary: She's not Saffron, River says. Anyway, shouldn't have flowers on ships, it's unlucky. Completed!
1. Parts of a Crocus

**WARNING, PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE GOING FURTHER:** This story will contain very serious content about **abortion and incest**. It is not meant as a political or moral message, just a story about people. If these topics upset you, perhaps you should not read. I don't want to upset anyone. I only wish to entertain. 

**Title:** The Left Behind  
**Part:** 1/5  
**Author:** dilly r  
**E-mail:** dilificusathotmaildotcom (I warned you about the abortion and incest, don't send hate mail, please.)  
**Archive:** Ask first and include the warning at the top. I don't want _anyone_ to read this if it will upset them.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Firefly, it belongs to Joss.  
**Note:** The parts are separated by episode, so they will vary (sometimes drastically) in length. The total length of the story is around 9000 words. 

--- 

**The Left Behind**

"She's not Saffron," River says. "Anyway, shouldn't have flowers on ships, it's unlucky." 

Simon closes his eyes and tries not to be annoyed with her. He's felt guilty about being annoyed at her since he's gotten her back. Never had that problem before. 

She is sitting sideways on one of the examination tables, still cradling the red pillow she'd taken from Book under her blouse. "Saffron is made from the reproductive organs of a crocus." 

"Right," Simon says, distractedly. He is reorganizing one of the cabinets that River got into. 

"They rip them out and dry them up and sell them for spicing food. And sometimes an antispasmodic, but only on back--" She notices the look Simon is giving her and quiets for a moment, and only that. "I don't like her dress and the way she looks at people." 

"Lower your voice," Simon says, glancing out toward the common area in case anyone is listening. "Is that why you took the pillow she was going to use?" 

"She wasn't going to use it." She bows her head and coos at the pillow beneath her blouse. "Will you love our baby, even though you don't love me?" 

"Please don't start that again, River." 

She falls the short distance between her feet and the ground, her voice suddenly loud. "_Shut up, shut up_. I don't like it when you talk about me being crazy in front of the others either." 

"River..." He reaches for her, but she jerks herself away from him. 

"No! You can't sometimes, then not. You can't think some thing and say the other. It's very confusing," she flung both hands out. The pillow fell from her blouse to the ground. She stared down at it. "Look what you've done, Simon." 

Simon's stomach twisted. She is getting worse. Every day, she is getting worse. He bends to pick up the pillow and she snatches it back up. 

"Don't touch. It's my problem." She holds it against her breast. "It's a her." She walks out of the infirmary, saying behind her, "When she reaches maturity she'll have a larger vocabulary than a male." 

For a moment, he forgets her state and he wants to yell at her. But he remembers himself by the time he reaches the open infirmary doors. 

"Where are you going, River? Don't wander." 

"Don't ask nice when you aren't." She stops for a moment and says. "Going to my bunk, if you want to see your daughter later." 

Simon sighs and squeezes the bridge of his nose. 

--- 

"Simon forgets," River says to the pillow. She knows it's not a child. "Not like me, sometimes, how I forget how to be human. With all the memories flooding in so fast I don't know which are mine. Simon forgets because he doesn't want to remember." 

She is sitting on her bunk, naked, with the red pillow propped up on her knees. She knows that Simon will check on her soon. It is late. The ship is hot. The people inside make it that way. 

"He won't be here long. We'll have to hurry," River says to the pillow. It does not respond. 

Simon slides the door open and slips into her room to check on her, like she knew he would. When he sees the state she's in, he quickly closes the door behind him. 

"River, what are you doing? Anyone could have come in here." 

She gives him a look. He's so dumb sometimes. "Knew it'd be you." 

He sighs and sits at the edge of her bunk. "Come here," he whispers. 

River moves close to him, rests her head on his shoulder. The rest of the ship is hot, but Simon is surrounded by the soothing cold. Cold through her veins and deep into her body. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, shivering. 

"Get your bedclothes on, River. It's cold." 

"Will this be our marriage bed?" 

"River." He looks at her with the same horrified expression he'd given her before, when she'd told them about the baby. 

She knows better than to trust his face. 

"Of course I _know_. Could have had your work like a haven, but now it's all extracting bullets." River bites her lip and pulls away from him. "I'm the one with the best injury, Doctor, but you were never very good with neurology. Having it all come down to electric impulses." She looks at him suddenly. "No! You can't just poke at me, stick me with things. That's not how you put me to sleep." 

Simon puts his hands heavily and gently on her shoulders, then pulls her into a hug. "I'm sorry, River." 

"You don't even know why," she says, exasperated. "There's more of me here than you think." 

"I love you, _meimei_. But it's not like marriage." 

River pulls out of his arms and curls up around the red pillow on her side. "Can't qualify love, Simon, it's just what it is." 

He opens his mouth to speak, but she interrupts him. 

"Goodnight." 

There is knocking in the hallway, against the sliding doors of Simon's room. They can hear Zoe's muffled voice calling his name. He gets up and pokes his head out of the door. The two of them say things. River closes her eyes tight and hugs the red pillow. 

Simon turns back to River and says "stay here" before leaving her alone. 


	2. Sweet Dreams

**WARNING, PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE GOING FURTHER:** This story will contain very serious content about **abortion and incest**. It is not meant as a political or moral message, just a story about people. If these topics upset you, perhaps you should not read. I don't want to upset anyone. I only wish to entertain. 

**Title:** The Left Behind  
**Part:** 2/5  
**Author:** dilly r  
**E-mail:** dilificusathotmaildotcom (I warned you about the abortion and incest, don't send hate mail, please.)  
**Archive:** Ask first and include the warning at the top. I don't want _anyone_ to read this if it will upset them.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Firefly, it belongs to Joss.  
**Note:** The parts are separated by episode, so they will vary (sometimes drastically) in length. The total length of the story is around 9000 words. 

--- 

-2- 

River is restless when the others are on drop-offs or any of the various other nefarious activities in which the crew engages. Beaumonde is no different. She seems more content, though, than she did when Saffron was onboard; something that Simon doesn't blame her for, now that he knows about Saffron what River seemed to know all along. 

The thought makes him uneasy. He pushes it back. 

"I want to see the trees." She's laying on the kitchen table, with her head hanging off the side. "Want to feel the wind." 

"Don't blame you," says Kaylee. Simon is startled for a moment to hear her voice, he hadn't heard her coming. "I get tired of recycled air sometimes myself. Too bad we couldn't go out and stretch our legs a bit." 

River sits up on the table; facing Simon who is hovering by the cabinets, her back to Kaylee who is leaning on the back of a chair. "On-world air is recycled too." 

"Huh?" 

"Kaylee," Simon says. River sticks her tongue out at him. "I though you'd be busy." 

She grins. "Was busy. Finished now, though. Works were less gummed than they were letting on." 

"Oh, good. Maybe you could have lunch with me." 

"I'd like that an awful--" 

One of the chairs crashes to the floor. River kicked it out of the way and now she is standing near it. "Don't lie," she screeches. "You're always lying. It makes my head hurt. Makes thoughts jumbled with words until it makes no sense." 

Simon is at her side in a moment, his arms around her shoulders. She clings at the sweater he's wearing, her little fingers pushing between the strands of wool. 

"River, it's okay." 

"It's not okay." He holds her tighter as she flings her body from side to side. "She might die. She'll go out with him to die and there'll be nothing you can do about it, you stupid useless _luh-suh_." 

"Woah," says Wash, stepping through the entrance to the dining hall. "Your sister all right, Simon?" 

River made a sobbing noise. "Don't talk about her like she's not there. She _understands_." 

Simon holds her tighter. "I'm sorry," he says. "She gets like this when the others are out and she's stuck in here." 

"Don't much blame her," says Wash, as he goes to the cabinets to snack. "Drives me crazy sitting and waiting too." 

River breathes sharply through her nose. "Won't be so funny when you're hollow like them, will it? Won't be so rutting funny then. Stupid girl, getting in your way, stupid girl." She goes limp in Simon's arms. It is all he can do to help her land gently into a sitting position on the floor. She lets her arms hang between her legs and her expression goes blank. 

Simon stands, staring at her for a moment. He sighs and sets upright the chair she'd kicked down, sitting in it. 

It's silent for a long moment, except for the sound of Wash heating a packet of food and the monotonous dull thud-thud-thud of Kaylee's boot against her chair leg. 

"I don't know what to do." Simon speaks quietly, but it sounds loud in his ears. He wishes he hadn't said it almost immediately. 

"Everybody knows you're doing your best, Doc," Kaylee says, and the thudding stops. 

Simon rubs his knee idly, his eyes fixed on the edge of the table. "I wish I'd paid more attention to neurology and psychology in medacad." 

"You can't see the future," says Wash as he sits with his bowl of soup. "Or else we'd all be rich and happy and fat on _ha gow_." He looks at his meal distastefully. 

"I don't think that'd be so great," says Kaylee. "I kind of like not knowin'. What's the point if there's no surprises?" 

"Surprises? Such as sending your sister to a place where they cut into her brain. Or, wandering around on a planet where they kidnap medics and burn witches." Simon looks at Kaylee. "Or, maybe, surprises like when you go to the cargo bay to see what the racket is and you're shot by a Fed. I see what you mean. Surprises are _fun_." 

Kaylee blanches a little. "Well, yeah, but... Who's to say if you know the future you could change it? Can't imagine knowing you're going to get shot would make it hurt any less." 

"That--" 

Simon is startled by River sitting sideways in his lap and resting her head on his shoulder. 

"Didn't mean to shout. Rattling wouldn't stop." 

"It's all right," he says quietly. 

"Don't like what he knows," she says. "Don't like what he doesn't. Wishes he could see inside, but what's inside is all tangled up." She turns to look at Wash and smiles. "You should go greet them. They'll be back soon in the same pieces. Then you'll laugh again." 

Wash looks at her, with a vaguely amused smile and a furrowed brow. "Your sister's a font of useful information, Simon." 

There are noises coming from the cargo bay. Wash and Kaylee both jump up. 

"Sounds like they're back," Kaylee says. 

"Told you," River says, grinning, but only Simon hears her. 

For a little while, they are alone and quiet. Simon listens to Wash and Kaylee welcome the captain, Zoe and Jayne back to the ship. From the tone of Jayne's voice, because his carries the best, Simon can tell that whatever they were doing on Beaumonte, it went well. 

He holds River in his arms for that quiet moment and she runs her fingers across the part of his sweater she warped by gripping it earlier. 

There is a disgusted sound behind him, closer than the cargo bay, and he knows that Jayne has come in to get something to eat. 

"I take it things went well," Simon says. 

Jayne gives him a look, then looks down at River. "Got our money if that's what you're askin'." 

"Where are we headed?" 

"Higgins' Moon," Jayne grunts. "Got some enemies there, but the job sounds good." 

"They must be the most irrational sort of people." 

Jayne squints at him. "Yeah, well, got no use for them, myself. Plus, place smells like gou shi." 

"Shouldn't swear," River says. "Lose money, get money. Everything's ends up even." 

"You're just too crazy to want money," Jayne says. 

"Someone onboard who isn't overtaken by avarice at the drop of a hat," says Simon. "I'd take that as a compliment." 

Jayne frowns. "Overtaken by... We don't got any diseases if that's what you're saying." 

River giggles. Simon rolls his eyes. "Let's go to the infirmary, River." 

She nods and they leave Jayne in the dining hall. 

In the hall, River says, "His pupils dilate sometimes when he looks at you." 

Simon's eyebrow twitches. She looks up at him seriously. 

"Might be transtentorial herniation of his medial temporal lobes," she says. "You should give him a check-up. Kaylee too. I think you inspire brain damage in people, Simon." 

Simon tries to hush her, but he can't keep from chuckling. "I think it might come more from wanting to strangle me in my sleep." He pauses. "Jayne, anyway." 

"We'll be in the black again soon." River reaches over and takes Simon's hand in hers. "When it's dark, people forget where one thing ends and another begins. Can't see what they're doing so they can't do anything wrong." 

"You should get one of the sick pans for take off. I don't want to have to clean up a mess on the floor again." 

She squeezes his hand. "Okay." 

He looks down at her. She's smiling. It's almost like the smile she used to have before. The smile, the memory of which drives him when he wants to give up, when he's convinced he doesn't know or have enough to help her. He smiles back at her. 

"I like your teeth too, Simon," she says as they reach the infirmary, and she drops his hand to find the sick pan. 

--- 

River crawls into Simon's bunk when her dreams of knives and needles and lasers shake her from her sleep more exhausted than when she laid down. He wraps his cool arms around her, holding her so tightly against him that she feels like they might meld into one another and become the same person. 

When they are so close, there is nothing but Simon in her mind. Everything else is drowned out by him. 

She can feel it. He remembers her body. 

He forgets until they lay together, side by side, so close that they might meld. But she can feel the tendrils of memory, usually flayed so far apart they are unrecognizable alone, wrap around each other and make a whole thought. One whole thought from a lifetime of thoughts never acted on. 

"Simon," she whispers into the darkness. 

"Hm?" 

"The nightmares don't get me in here. They're nice in here." 

"I'm glad." 

"Your dreams are nicer too, when I'm here." 

He is silent, but the emotion burns off of him, crackling louder than a mere voice. 

River pulls the red pillow out from her nightgown and holds it against her chest. "It can't be qualified, Simon. Only quantified. And even then you have to have all the exponents solved." 

"Go to sleep, River," he says. "It's late." 

"I like it when you hold me so close." 

"It's a small bunk," Simon says. 

River smiles into the dark. Simon can't see it. And she waits until she can hear his shallow breaths turn deep and slow. 

"Not _so_ small," she says. 


	3. Not Even Under Covers

**WARNING, PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE GOING FURTHER:** This story will contain very serious content about **abortion and incest**. It is not meant as a political or moral message, just a story about people. If these topics upset you, perhaps you should not read. I don't want to upset anyone. I only wish to entertain. 

**Title:** The Left Behind  
**Part:** 3/5  
**Author:** dilly r  
**E-mail:** dilificusathotmaildotcom (I warned you about the abortion and incest, don't send hate mail, please.)  
**Archive:** Ask first and include the warning at the top. I don't want _anyone_ to read this if it will upset them.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Firefly, it belongs to Joss.  
**Note:** The parts are separated by episode, so they will vary (sometimes drastically) in length. The total length of the story is around 9000 words. 

--- 

-3- 

The night they spend in Canton on Higgins' moon, River is stowed in the cubby by the cargo room stairs. She's illegal cargo anyway, that's where they should keep her. 

Simon spends the night in town with Kaylee. River can't sleep without him anymore. If she falls asleep or even leaves the cubby, Preacher-man will get her. So she stays awake all night, feverish and eyes wide. 

Morning goes by before she crawls out again. The others are back. They don't say much, but they are carrying heavy things around with them and she doesn't want to be near them. 

Simon spends the afternoon with Kaylee in his bunk, so River stays in the common area, drawing dolls. Some have Kaylee's nose, some of Kaylee's mouth, some have Kaylee's dirty fingernails. Preacher-man comes, but he leaves her be when she tells him to. 

She doesn't see her brother until dinner. He barely says anything to her, his focus so spent on listening to Kaylee go on. 

He barely looks at her at all, until nighttime when he checks on her in her bunk before going to bed. He comes in and sits on the edge of her bed, like he always does, but when he tells her to come over to him, she refuses. He looks at her, his head cocked to the side. 

"What is it, River?" 

"No, you can't." He reaches for her and she throws her hands up to stop him. "You're turning into one of them. Not left behind anymore. Doing the leaving. Going off to learn things I can't." 

He furrows his eyebrows. "Are you angry because I left the ship?" 

She focuses on an empty spot of ceiling. "It's not the leaving. It's the leaving behind." 

"It's not safe for you out there," he whispers. He pushes himself back, further into the bed, so that he can lean against the wall. 

"It's not safe for me anywhere." 

Simon is quiet. 

"Not even under covers, not even with the little light makes it not so dark. Makes it brighter that I can see invaders before they get me. Space invaders with blue skin and no hair." Her eyes are filling with tears. "Even the light can't keep me safe, it can only let me know what's coming." 

"River," Simon's head is resting against the wall and his sleepy eyes are fixed on her. "You're safe here, you know that." 

"Safety is an illusion. Comforting like Book's symbol and Jayne's statue, but not based on fact. It's all uneducated guesses to light up the shadows. I expected more than mythology out of you, Simon." 

He sighs, his head bowed a bit, then he pulls himself to the edge of the bed again to stand. "It's late, River. I'm going to sleep." 

"Sleep well," she says quietly. "Deeper sleep is coming." 

--- 

It's weeks after Higgins' Moon before River starts saying much of anything again. 

"_Useless!_" River screams, and she hurls a box of lies, watches it hit the wall and fall to the ground. Simon was in the infirmary and sticks his head out to the common room. 

"River, what are you doing? Everyone's asleep, you'll wake them." 

"Bits of metal, nothing worthwhile. Nothing to let you know. All useless. Time shifts up here, should have remembered before but didn't." 

Simon glances down at the box, the jacks and ball it was holding spilled by the collision with the wall. "It's okay, River." He's near her now and he puts his arms around her. She leans against his chest. 

"Are you going to be there forever? In the blue room, where the walls stretch out to touch you?" 

"The... infirmary? I'm doing some work, River, I'll be done soon. You can go to bed if you want." 

She shakes her head, gripping at his shirt so he can't leave her yet. "Not again in the hole. Not again, hiding from Preacher-man because Brother's not here to protect me. Brother's out getting his head misty. Not again." 

"I'm sorry?" Simon says, confused. "I'll be to bed soon." 

"No!" Her voice is frantic. "I'll sleep without you there to remind me and wake up on the cold metal with all of the eyes." 

"Okay. Okay. I'll go to sleep now, will that make you happy?" 

She nods into his chest. "Go to sleep with me. Keep the burning away." 

Simon sighs, but he gathers up what she threw against the wall, then puts some things away in the infirmary. She watches him. The muscles in his jaw are clenched. She can tell that he's irritated, but he'll never say anything about that anymore. 

He takes River back to her bunk to help her undress and put her sleeping clothes on, then takes her to his bunk, where he changes himself. She watches him take off his vest and his pants and his fine buttoned shirt. He sleeps in soft cotton pants that are a little loose around his waist. He slides into the narrow bunk behind her and puts his strong, bare arm around her. 

"Simon," she whispers. "Time is relative." 

"Mhm." 

River turns around to face him. She can see his startled look in the dim light that constantly filters in from the hallway. "This will be the third one." 

"I don't know what you're talking about, _meimei_." 

"'Course you don't." River snakes her arm under his arm and over his torso until her hand touches his back. "It's tomorrow morning now. By the way we count hours here." 

Simon was still staring at her, looking unsettled. "That's right." 

"I don't have anything," she says. Then, she stretches her neck and pushes her lips against his. There is a cold spark of energy, like the stinging of electricity. She tastes his lower lip with the tip of her tongue. 

He cups her face with his hands. For a moment he holds her there, not moving, then he gently eases her away. 

There aren't words, only eyes. His, turning steely gray in the dull light, twitch back and forth, like he's speed reading through a book. Her eyes stay focused and, slowly, she grins. 

"No more lying, Simon. Please." 

River can see his jugular pulsing with his blood. She wiggles her way through his hands to kiss his heartbeat there, at his neck. He sucks in a breath through his teeth. 

"I'll go where the blood goes. It goes here," she says, kissing his jugular again. "And it goes..." she starts to move down in the bed, but he grasps her shoulders. 

"No, River." 

"I asked you not to lie anymore." 

Simon closes his eyes and presses his lips together. His nostrils flare with each breath. He speaks hesitantly. "I'm not lying. But it's wrong, _meimei_. It's wrong." 

"I kissed you on the mouth before I left for the Academy," she says. "I remember your taste, the way you licked your lips after, eyes closed. They took other memories from me, tied them in knots. But I held onto that one. Kept breathing, sometimes, because it beat my heart when it wanted to stop." 

"I remember." 

"Your hands were in my belt loops." She takes one of his hands and moves it down to her hip. "And your eyelashes were on your cheeks." 

River stretches to kiss him again, but this time his reaction is different. Their teeth click harshly, then their tongues touch. He tastes familiar like vanilla ice cream. Her lips hurt from the pressure and her mind is dizzy from the cold, but she doesn't want it to ever stop again. Stopping means she's leaving, stopping means she's leaving his skin for plasticky blue hands. She makes a sound in her throat and pulls herself closer to him. 

The kiss ends, he pulls back from it, but his flesh-colored hands are still there. He holds her closer, then. She can feel his heart beating and his mind racing too fast to understand the thoughts passing by. River can relate to that. His nose is in her hair and from him she can feel an overwhelming sense of laying on the couch at home, having fallen asleep reading together, and Father gently waking them up to lead them to their beds. When the illusion of safety seemed so real it might be tangible. Before their bond with each other was seen for what it was, and their parents encouraged her to go somewhere far away for school. To give them time apart, hopefully for River to finally start dating; to spend time with someone other than her big brother. 

Guilt then, washes over her like a wave of poison. She nuzzles into his chest. "Spit it out, Simon. Suck it and spit it out before it gets into your bloodstream." 

A flicker of understanding in his eyes, like it used to be. The conversations without words. Couldn't play hide-and-seek with each other, it was always too easy. 

_Nothing can keep my Simon from his sister for long_, Mom would say. She was right. 

"The guilt. Poison. Like a snakebite" he says. 

River nods, smiling. "Freezes you up, constricts your muscles." 

With the hand still touching her face, he brushes away a thick strand of hair. 

"How did I--" 

She puts her finger to his mouth. "Don't ask silly questions." 

Simon puts his hand around hers and kisses it, eyes closed everytime he kisses her. 

River hooks her leg around him and his eyes open again. 

"River," he whispers, shaking his head. She pulls him close with her leg and she can feel his blood, their blood. He gasps. 

"Let go," she says. 

And he does. 


	4. I'll Still Knit For You

**WARNING, PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE GOING FURTHER:** This story will contain very serious content about **abortion and incest**. It is not meant as a political or moral message, just a story about people. If these topics upset you, perhaps you should not read. I don't want to upset anyone. I only wish to entertain. 

**Title:** The Left Behind  
**Part:** 4/5  
**Author:** dilly r  
**E-mail:** dilificusathotmaildotcom (I warned you about the abortion and incest, don't send hate mail, please.)  
**Archive:** Ask first and include the warning at the top. I don't want _anyone_ to read this if it will upset them.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Firefly, it belongs to Joss.  
**Note:** The parts are separated by episode, so they will vary (sometimes drastically) in length. The total length of the story is around 9000 words. 

--- 

-4-

After the fire, there is cold. Serenity, on its way to Greenleaf, has stopped. Life support is gone and they are out of range of anybody. Simon's fingertips and nose are numb as he stands, hands grasping his coat, while the Captain tells them that they will be flying the shuttles as far as they'll go before they give out. Won't likely live, but it's more of a chance than staying on Serenity.

And it's his gorram birthday.

The Captain won't go with them. He remembers something River said about how it's not the leaving, it's the leaving behind that is painful. As they leave the captain, who Simon's not even too terribly fond of, to go down with the ship, he realizes that she was right.

Once he and Wash move Zoe safely to the shuttle, Simon huddles down in a corner near where Zoe lays so he can keep an eye on her. River settles down next to him, resting against him. He listens to the distant clicking of switches and buttons and the whirring as Wash detaches the ship from Serenity and they take off.

River takes his hand in both of hers, which seem strangely warm in comparison. "Five cherry popsicles. Red stain on your lips." She slides his index finger into her mouth. It's even warmer there.

"River, stop that," Simon whispers, glancing in the direction of the bridge.

She pulls his hand away from herself and sets it on his leg. "Doesn't matter. Kaylee's in the other ship. She's going to die with Jayne. We'll die here with rings for them but not for us."

Simon's stomach sinks. He hadn't taken the time; no, he hadn't had the time, between preparing his medical supplies and carrying Zoe to the shuttle, to let it sink in. To really look at Kaylee and the others and think this is the last time I will see them. The only thing on his mind, when he glanced back at them, was making sure River didn't somehow get left behind.

He'd always known that the world didn't come down to too many people. He just thought that it'd come down to more than him and River.

For a moment, a dizzying, nauseating moment, like a the pinnacle of a rollercoaster, he wonders if their deaths were some sort of karma for what he'd done the night before.

River scoffs. "Don't be so self-centered."

"Doctor." Simon nearly jumps out of his skin at the sudden not-River voice. He looks up to see Wash standing over him. "You're keeping an eye on my wife, aren't you?"

"Hollow," says River. "You can feel it, can't you?"

Simon taps River on the shoulder to quiet her. "She seems to be resting peacefully. There's not really much else I can do for her. She should wake up eventually, if..."

"If." Wash sits next to Zoe's portable examination table. "Gotcha."

Simon takes a deep breath. "She's strong."

"Likely outlive us all. Says she's like a cockroach. Survive nuclear holocaust, living in ships, finding their way on new planets. Always surviving." he says. A faint smile is playing at his lips as he touches her cheek.

"She and the captain are similar in that way."

He chuckles, but there's an edge to it. "She says 'you lived through the war, you can live through anything.' Unlucky for us we didn't serve, I guess. Were we all former military, we could hold our breath all the way to Greenleaf, not have to worry."

River reaches across Simon and touches Zoe's toes. "Bah."

Wash gives her a curious look, but before he speaks, Zoe shifts in her sleep, groaning, and his focus is directed back at her. "Baby? You awake? Come on, I need to hear your voice again. Wake up."

"She hears you," River mutters. Simon looks at her, then at Zoe. He moves toward the exam table and checks her pulse at her neck. Zoe's nose crinkles and she jerks away from his touch.

"Zoe," Wash said, gripping her hand. "You're awake."

She stares at him for a moment, bleary eyed. "Where in the hell are we, Husband?"

"That's a bit of a story. That doesn't have so happy of an ending. Do you remember the fire? It knocked you out. Simon brought you through it, of course. I mean, as you can tell. But--"

"This isn't the infirmary," she says, trying to sit up.

"Please," says Simon. "Lay down, you haven't recovered."

Zoe makes a pained face. "I can tell that much, Doc."

"We're on the shuttle. Fire knocked out life support and auxiliaries. And, being as I so expertly had us out of range of anyone for days, we were out of range of anyone for days. Part of the engine needed couldn't be fixed. Captain decided to send us all out on the shuttles, going opposite ways. More like to find help that way. We four on this ship, Kaylee, Simon and Book on Inara's ship."

Zoe's eyes scanned the four of them. "Captain's not here."

"...No."

Her expression went icy. "Captain's still on Serenity."

"We sent out a boosted signal. He stayed in case a miracle came through."

"You left him there?"

"He was insisting on it. He's the captain, Zoe. Isn't that what you say? We should take his orders?"

"The one time you listen to me on that point." Zoe strains until she is propped up on her elbows. "Either you get to the bridge and turn this shuttle right back around or I'm getting up and doing it myself."

"Zoe--"

"If you're in such a listening-to-orders-for-once mood, Husband, I outrank you. Get to that navpanel and turn us around."

Wash looks helplessly at Simon. Simon shrugs. "She has a point. If I'm going to die, I don't know that the last thing I'd want to do is leave the captain who's helped my sister and I to die alone."

"She has a point about outranking you," Zoe says.

"What about you, River?" Wash asks. Zoe gives him a look. "What? She's got a right to say something about how she dies too."

"I get left behind sometimes," she says, smiling. "Captain lies when he says he doesn't care."

Wash takes a deep breath. "I... think that makes it unanimous." River nods. Wash stands and heads toward the bridge, but pauses for a moment. "But seeing as you're the ranking officer, you get to take the blame if we all die. Or find some happy ending."

Zoe rests back down on the exam table, smiling sleepily. "That's something I can do."

---

Turns out the captain isn't dead, that he got the part Serenity needed from a friendly passer-by. However, he is badly injured by way of a bullet also given to him by said friendly passer-by. Zoe is a few days rest away from being up and about.

Most of the rest of the way to Greenleaf is busy for Simon. Days go by mindlessly. Sleep, wake, check patients, check River, eat, check patients, check River, sleep.

River's been quiet and keeps to herself. Simon's glad for it.

When moments pass slower, when he has nothing to think about, he thinks of her. She seems fragile, but she's not. Tams are like that. They fool you. You think she's all skinny arms and legs, then you reach under and find an adult in there.

After they move Zoe back to her bunk, something for which Wash is grateful, Simon slumps into the couch in the common area. There is a garish pink wreath that Kaylee made with little pictures of various family members of various crew members. Jayne's mother and sister are pasted to one side, Kaylee's father and mother are predominantly featured in various places, a few other family members he's not sure of.

The only family Simon has now is River. His father surely disowned them officially once they became fugitives. Even if he didn't, there's little chance that he or River will see their parents again. Sometimes he misses their house, the comfort of it. The way their couches didn't have springs digging into the base of your spine and the weather outside of their windows changed with the seasons and the time of day. He even misses their fat uncle Herbert, who always smelled of wine and the mints he kept in his right breast pocket.

Perhaps, aside from the people, it's his bed he misses the most. Most every piece of furniture in their house was comfortable. The fabric would slide against the skin, cool the touch at first, but quickly adjusting to body heat. His bed, in particular, was gigantic and soft. If he curled up enough it would feel like he was completely surrounded by the mattress. His father always complained that it would hurt his back if he slept on that thing too often, but his mother thought he looked sweet in it when she'd come in the mornings to wake him up.

That is, when his mother had the chance to wake him up. It was usually River who would leap into the middle and shake the bed so horribly that, for a moment, in his sleep-hazy mind, he'd think he was in a quake or in a ship crash.

Usually, River preferred to sleep on a stiffer mattress. She was more concerned with keeping the joints of her little dancer's body aligned. But, sometimes, she'd sneak into his room to lose herself in the sinking mattress with him.

A weight hits the couch next to Simon and he slides involuntarily toward it. He looks to see it is Kaylee, grinning at him.

"What're you daydreaming about, Doc?"

"Hm? Oh." He shakes his head; shakes away the memories there. "Nothing really."

Kaylee props her feet up on the coffee table. "You've been working too hard. But I guess you won't have to soon, with Zoe well enough and the Cap' about done recovering, right?"

"I guess not," he said slowly.

"Aw, don't look so disappointed. We'll get some good injuries again for ya soon enough, way things've been going."

"Oh, that's not-- Well, I don't mind being busy, but I don't mind being not."

"We could think of things for you to do. You could visit the engine room more. Gets kinda lonely in there sometimes."

"River keeps my hands full."

Kaylee frowns. "I guess she does at that, but you can't be working all the time. You look a mite haggard lately."

"Thanks."

"I don't mean it like that, I just mean I think you're working yourself too hard."

"If I were still on Osiris, I'd be seeing twenty patients a day, at least."

Kaylee makes a face, her round cheeks push up against her eyes, making them sparkle in the warm lighting. "None of them'd be your sister, either. That'd take a toll on anybody. And you'd have everything you needed. Wouldn't have to make due so much."

"I'd have my own home to go back to at the end of the day," he says, quietly.

"Yeah." Kaylee sighs and looks down at her hands. "I guess that's so."

"Don't take it so personally. I just can't think of a mode of transportation as a home."

"Always thought it was the people, made the home."

"I like the people." Simon looks at her closely. She's pretty, he's told her so. Told her he likes her too, but whenever he opens his mouth to say something more, nothing comes. He looks away, at her feet on the coffee table. He remembers how his mother would yell when she'd find River's footprints on her fine table imported from Persephone. "But it's cramped. It's burning hot in some places and ice cold in others. Most of the people here either don't particularly like me or outright hate me. It just doesn't feel like home. It's not comforting in that way."

He can tell immediately by Kaylee's expression that explaining it had just made things worse. He never can tell how she'll react until he goes ahead and says something. It's a precarious way to operate.

" I probably wouldn't be so comfortable some place you'd be comfortable." She's not drawling so much as usual, her words are clipped. "Hate to be somewhere around people that don't like it when I don't sit up straight, put my feet up. Can't see how that'd be comfortable."

"I guess it's what you're..." Simon lets his voice drift off when he hears someone coming in through the corridor. River wanders in, paler than normal. "River." He stands and goes over to her.

"It was getting loud out here. Tried to close it out, but it kept coming in, seeping under the door."

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were talking so loudly. Are you feeling all right?" He leads her toward the infirmary with his hand on her back.

"Back hurts. Sinking. Sinking like a ship, demasted and holed. Had flowers on board probably. Or a priest. Man wears black, talks over corpses, brings bad luck. The sharks are swarming. They already taste the blood."

Simon rubs her back. "Come on, let's check you out and make sure everything's all right." He pauses for to look back at Kaylee. Her feet are down now and she's sitting closer to the edge of the couch, clearly worried for River. "Would you mind if I came by the engine room later?"

"Not at all, Doc." She gets up and heads toward the back of the ship. "If it's comfortable enough for ya."

Simon watches her go and shakes his head. "I don't know which one of you is more trouble."

"Her," River answers immediately. He grins at her.

There is a flash of memory. Of her skin, her neck arched, her mouth open, her hair all around her.

He swallows heavily and pushes the memory away. "Come on," he says, his voice hollow. "Let's see how you're doing."

---

Simon is jabbing at his food, but not eating. Again. Third time this week he's done that. Sat there at the table while the others eat. Because they see him there, they assume he's eaten and they don't know. River knows.

There's something black and hazy around Simon that she can't see through. She doesn't think he can see through it so much either.

She mimics him. Jab, jab, jab.

The end of dinner, Captain stands up to leave. He's just out of the infirmary and his eyes seem happier than normal, just to see something other than Simon and the blue lights. Simon stands too.

"Captain, may I speak with you?"

Mal raises his eyebrows, expecting something. Simon shakes his head.

"In private."

River knows that Simon wants to go on-world again. Leave her behind again. Her stomach hurts.

She watches them go, then leaves the table and goes to her room, ignoring Kaylee when she asks after her.

On her bunk, she pulls her knees up and hugs them. She doesn't move until she's too tired to sit up anymore, then she lays down on her side and sleeps.

Simon is not gone so long on-world this time. When he gets to the ship, he goes right to her. She is still laying on her side, counting the seconds off in tens.

"River?" He is full of hesitation. He's closed the door behind him, but he still tarries by it.

"Went to the medical facilities. Got things for the crazy sister. Tear off the labels, Simon, so no one will see."

Simon furrows his brow, but he finally comes closer and sits on the edge of the bed, like he usually does.

"I need you to take these pills, River. Then, early in the morning, we're going to go to the infirmary and I'm going to get rid of what's been making you ill lately. All right?"

She takes the red pillow from under her head and holds it against her chest.

"Can you take these pills for me, River?"

River doesn't move her head, but she looks at him over the corner of the pillow. "For Simon. She does anything for Simon. He knows that."

"Yes, I do."

She sits up, the pillow in her lap, and takes the pills when he hands them to her. Three little round pills. She swallows one after the other and feels them slide down her throat into her stomach. She closes her eyes. "How many hours?"

"Five."

"Five," she says and she lays back down, holding the pillow against her..

---

River's stomach hurts. She is laying on the examination table. Simon's hands are unbearably hot and the gloves he wears are stained red. The pain comes and she squeezes her eyes shut. She can feel Simon take something from her, then the wet, heavy sound of garbage falling into a trash bin.

"You'll have to wear your pad," he says as he takes off his gloves. Her stomach hurts. "It will be like when you have your period, but it'll last a little longer."

She turns her head to the side. She doesn't want to look at him.

The infirmary is made up of angles and metal and blue lights. There are cabinets. She knows there are needles in there. She hears the gloves hit the trash bin. Sounds like the other thing. There are clear panels looking into the infirmary, but no one's there. They're all asleep. On the counter, there's a bottle; white with a blue label.

Blue Sun.

Live life with Blue Sun.

River swallows a scream.

---

Weeks later, Mal, Jayne, Zoe and Kaylee are on-world getting supplies and looking for jobs where there are none. River wanders a lot these days. Simon doesn't try to keep an eye on her.

He sits alone in the dining hall, looking at a bowl of food more than eating it. It smells too bad to eat anyway. He's been taking supplements to keep him going when he can't eat. River has to take them, why shouldn't he?

"Mind if I join you?"

Simon looks up, startled. He hadn't heard the shepherd come in.

"Not at all. It was getting a little too quiet."

"It does have a tendency to do that when the others are away."

"Mm."

Simon had never been much of one for the religious sort. They always seemed to have their feet in the mud, holding back progress, keeping funding away from important medical projects if they have the influence. There is something comforting, though. Talk to a man of science, you have no idea what to expect. Talk to a man of God, well, they all have the same basic things to say.

"Shepherd," Simon says, running his chopsticks along the rim of his bowl.

"Yes?"

"Forgiveness is pretty much the basis, isn't it? For what you believe?"

Book seems to ponder that for a moment. "Boiling it all down to one word seems a little drastic."

"I guess. I always thought it'd would be comforting. You do something wrong, you have an action to take. It's not just guilt layered on emptiness. You can pray and repent and all of that." He considers taking a bite of food, but decides on a sip of water instead. "I couldn't fool myself like that, but I always thought it'd be nice if I could."

"Fool yourself? You mean have faith?"

Simon shrugs. "I just don't work that way. I have weight, so I believe in mass and gravity. I don't have proof of God."

"I could say that I have a soul, so I believe in God."

"You'd have to show me your soul before that would work for me, Shepherd."

Book smiles. "I don't think I know you well enough to show you that."

Simon sniffs and doesn't say anything.

"You haven't touched your food."

Simon looks at Book. Something about the man makes Simon's blood run cold. "I'm not really hungry, I don't know why I made it."

"Praying and repenting isn't all there is to religion," he says. "And maybe you're right, and there's nothing out there to forgive you. But I don't honestly see how praying and repenting could hurt."

Simon stands. "I'll remember that next time I have something to feel guilty about something, Shepherd."

He leaves Book at the table, taking his bowl with him.

River is in her bunk, as you were hoping she would be. She has something in her hands and you squint to try to see what it is. "River, I brought you some food."

"Throw it away, like the rest. Don't need it. Just life." She's barely moving her lips to speak.

"What's that?" he asks, nodding toward the thing in her hands.

She doesn't look at him. "Pieces. All pieces. Throw it away."

Simon leans close. It's some fabric. He frowns. There's a piece of the same fabric on the bed next to her. He sets the bowl on the little bedside table, then looks around her.

Red and white fabric, ripped up. He takes it, almost expecting a protest, but it doesn't come.

He swallows. "Why did you tear up the pillow, River?"

River blinks, then looks up at him through her eyelashes. "Why did you?"

Simon stands up, almost entirely on impulse. "I'll take care of it. You eat, then get some sleep. You don't look well."

She doesn't say anything, so he starts to head toward the door.

And then she speaks, softly. "Simon."

"What?"

"I'll still knit for you, Simon."

He feels dizzy for a moment, but it passes.

"I have some things to do in the infirmary if you need me."

He can feel her watching him go.


	5. Cans and Labels

**WARNING, PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE GOING FURTHER:** This story will contain very serious content about **abortion and incest**. It is not meant as a political or moral message, just a story about people. If these topics upset you, perhaps you should not read. I don't want to upset anyone. I only wish to entertain. 

**Title:** The Left Behind  
**Part:** 5/5  
**Author:** dilly r  
**E-mail:** dilificusathotmaildotcom (I warned you about the abortion and incest, don't send hate mail, please.)  
**Archive:** Ask first and include the warning at the top. I don't want _anyone_ to read this if it will upset them.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Firefly, it belongs to Joss.  
**Note:** The parts are separated by episode, so they will vary (sometimes drastically) in length. The total length of the story is around 9000 words. 

--- 

-5-

Sometimes, the dining hall makes her afraid.

She can hear them, somewhere outside of her head. Like she's wrapped up in gauze. There's only murmuring.

Simon tells her to eat, but she doesn't want to. It's in there. She has enough of it in her already. But he won't let her alone.

It's everywhere, but it's mostly in the kitchen. Cans and labels.

_Live life with Blue Sun._

She takes the bowl of food from Simon and follows him. She'll poke at it, like he does, and he'll think she's eating.

Wash, Zoe, Inara, Kaylee, she can hear them all, but the words don't make sense. Jayne's at the table with them, cleaning his guns and knives. Has a knife big, gleaming, he runs it across his tongue.

There, on his shirt, she sees the symbol. It's peaking out over the table, letting her know that she'll never get away from him.

Blue Sun makes peaches, puts them in a can, labels them.

Blue Sun makes crackers, puts them in a box, labels them.

Jayne has that label on his chest.

Blue Sun makes Jayne, puts him in a body, labels him.

River knows what to do. She gets up, they don't notice.

Kitchen has knives. Knives don't have labels on them. She takes one, the biggest. She needs the biggest. Gorram son of a bitch doesn't even know he's labeled, so she needs the biggest.

There he is, with Blue Sun on his chest. He's laughing. Does he know? If she cuts him free, will he come out?

She cuts the label in half diagonally and smiles, waiting for Jayne to realize he's free.

There is blinding pain and she is on the floor before she realizes that Jayne hit her. Red is seeping through the label, destroying it. It's better now, why does everyone look so angry? The inside of her mouth is cut and it hurts when she talks, but she tries to explain.

"He looks better in red."

She feels strong hands on her arms, holding them back. Simon shouts something and River smiles at him.

"It'll be okay now, Simon."

The strong hands, Zoe's, take her back to her bunk and lock her in there.

---

River is huddled on her bunk in the corner where the walls meet when Simon goes to see her. He'd put it off as long as he could, his mind buzzing with what had happened, what it could mean.

He stands by the door and looks at her for a long time. She's still all arms and legs, the way she has been ever since she was five. Her hair is longer now, wilder. She never cared about it much, but their mother loved to play with it. Her own hair was too frail to take much styling. River's eyes are wide and seem innocent. Simon knows, by now, that they are anything but innocent.

River's eyes snap up, looking at him. "It's the black that does it."

Simon frowns, then sits on the edge of her bed.

"Makes you blind, like drinking too much. I remember," she closed her eyes, the corners of her mouth vaguely up-turned. "Younger when you came home after school, didn't leave, would sit and study. Sometimes pretend with me when you should be studying. Then, you get older, I am home alone and you drink yourself stupid. Dad gets so mad, you both yell at each other for hours when he says you have to stay at home with me."

"I didn't--"

River holds up a hand. "No, Simon. I'm trying to sound it out, make the words mean something to you." Slowly, she sets her hand back down on the mattress. "It's dark out here and no one's watching. Dad won't even yell for it. You guzzle up the darkness, makes you forget." She screws up her face, tears glistening in her eyes. "No. I mean. You think you can do things and it's dark and no one will know. You think that I'll play along with you."

Simon takes her hand and holds it. "River, I know that things... Things have been strange lately."

A flash of memory, her hand reaching up to his face and touching it, her gaze intently on him, then, her neck arched. And after, laying next to her, watching her sleep. Feeling something he's never felt. Something bigger than himself. The sum greater than the parts.

Then the sickness and the guilt and the--

"Strange? Things have been strange?" she says. Her voice is tight. "I was going to have a baby."

Simon shakes his head. "No, River. You know we couldn't have. You know it wouldn't have worked."

River pulls on his hand and he goes to her, puts his arms around her and holds her close. She presses her face against his chest. His heart is racing so hard that he feels hot and dizzy.

"I'm trying to forgive you." She chokes back a sob.

He cups her head with his hand, rubbing her hair with his thumb. His throat is so tight that it hurts when he swallows.

"You didn't ask," she says, finally. "You just wanted it to go away. You just wanted to set traps for the rodents and snap their heads off so you didn't have to think about it. You don't even want to look at me anymore, you don't even want to think about me anymore. You see me and you wish I were something else."

"No. No, _meimei_."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not." He pulls away from her enough so that he can look her in the face. "See? I'm not lying. You're my everything. You're my too much, probably. But I'll make you better and then it will be like it was before."

River squints at him. "You're so dumb sometimes."

"What?"

"It was always like this. I just had rat traps before. But they took them away and now my head's full of rats." She leans forward, resting against his chest with her eyes rolled up so she can still see him. "It's not so bad. Some of it's not so bad." She pauses. "I can hear your heart."

Simon takes a deep breath. "When you get better, things will be different."

He can tell by her eyes that she knows more about what he's thinking than he's telling her. There's something satisfied in her expression. She puts her arms around him and pulls herself close.

"You have an idea," she whispers. "You should tell the captain."

Simon nods, but he doesn't move. He holds her close and plays with the tips of her hair on her back.

"Forgive me," he whispers. She doesn't have to say anything; he knows that she has.

He knows, also, that no one can keep Simon away from his sister for long. Not even Simon.


End file.
